Conversations I Never Thought I’d Have With My Husband Until We Had a Baby

Kevin:He had some diarrhea yesterday.

Me: Did he eat any grapes?

Kevin: No.

Me: Was it real watery?

Kevin: No, it wasn’t that bad.  I saved it for you.  It’s on your bed if you want to look at it.

***

Me: You know, I think he can start eating Yo, Toddler yogurt instead of this Yo, Baby yogurt.

Kevin: What’s the difference?

Me: I think there’s, like, more DHA in Yo, Toddler.

Kevin: What’s DHA?

Me: Some crap they put in kids’ food these days to make them smarter.  It’s the reason kids take Algebra I in 8th grade now instead of freshman year like we had to do.  We were so deprived.

Kevin: Dang.  We gotta get us some of that DHA.

***

Kevin: I noticed something really weird about that Baby Beluga book today.

Me: What?

Kevin: Look at this page.  It says, `Is your mama home, with you so happy?’ That makes no sense.  With you so happy?

Me: Oh, I know, I noticed that, too.  Whenever I read that page, I just change it to,  Is your mama home, are you so happy?

Kevin: Yeah, that sounds better.

Me: Remember when we used to argue about James Joyce?

***

Kevin: Guess who does the narration for the Curious George episodes?

Me: I don’t know, who?

Kevin: William H. Macy.

Me: Oh, that is so cool!

***

Me: Do you think this new haircut is, like, too mom-bob?

Kevin: I thought that was the look you were going for.

Me: A mom-bob?!?!

Kevin: Yeah.

Me: Well, I guess it was.

***

Kevin: I found those spinach nuggets you were talking about.

Me: Aren’t they crazy?  Like chicken nuggets but with spinach.  He doesn’t even know he’s eating vegetables.

Kevin: We’re living in amazing times, babe.

***

Kevin: Well, he’s finally asleep.

Me: You wanna…you know…get bizz-ay?

Kevin: I don’t know.  I’m so exhausted.

Me: Yeah, me, too.

Kevin: I have something even better.  I DVRd a new episode of Full Throttle Saloon.

Me: Is there any bourbon?

Kevin: Yes.

Me: You’re right.  That is better.