Questions I Have About the 1985 Film Gymkata

I never blog anymore because I’ve got book writing deadlines to meet, but last night I watched a film so puzzling, so thought-provoking, so totally bonkers that I am dedicating today’s writing time to exploring it. So to my editor at Macmillan who expects a first draft of my next book in a few weeks, head’s up that I may be a little late.

Because I have to talk about Gymkata.

My husband and I sat down to watch this 1985 cinema classic last night because he’d heard it was “so bad it’s good” and I must say at least the first half of that phrase is absolutely correct.

Gymkata stars American gymnast and Olympic star Kurt Thomas as Jonathan Cabot, and it’s quite clear to me now why Kurt Thomas earned medals in gymnastics as opposed to any Oscar noms.

The film hinges on an idea so bizarre I forced my husband to pause the film so that I could review with him the exposition and initial incident that sends our protagonist up Freytag’s Pyramid.

Essentially, the character of Jonathan Cabot is recruited by United States secret intelligence to participate in a game of endurance on the fictional island of Parmistan in which all the losers die and the winner is given one request that must be fulfilled by the King of Parmistan, a la the Godfather on his daughter’s wedding day.

Got that?

So…the U.S. government convinces Cabot to play the game and, if he wins, he will use his one wish not for a new cherry red Corvette or sacks of gold bullions but (wait for it) for permission for the United States government to be able to use the island of Parmistan as a site for a U.S. satellite monitoring station, further cementing America’s dominance in the geopolitical crisis known as The Cold War.

Wait, hold up. First plotting issue.

Are we really to believe that a young man at the peak of his virility and athletic prowess would be willing to sacrifice his own life for a satellite monitoring station? I know it was the 80s and we were all jamming on Red Dawn and Ronald Reagan, but I found this to be a bit of a stretch.

Still, Cabot says yes, and we have the ubiquitous training montage that involves a lot of 80s tropes, including a second rate Mr. Miyagi-type, who forces Cabot to train for “the game” by climbing up stairs on his hands. The trainer also has a pet falcon, so you know he’s wise.

Now plotting issue number two. There is a very attractive woman known as “the princess” who is part of Cabot’s training sessions because she’s an expert at “the game.” (At one point the U.S. intelligence officer who recruits Cabot tells him, “She’s got a pretty interesting back story………….her mother’s Indonesian.” That’s it. That’s her interesting back story. That her mom happened to be born in Indonesia just like roughly 4 million other babies per annum and yes I did just look up the birth rate of Indonesia.)

ANYWAY, turns out this princess is actually the princess of PARMISTAN. So here’s my question. Why and how was the U.S. competitor to “the game” given the advantage of having a native of Parmistan flown out to our country to give him tips as to how to win? Seems really unfair to me and beneath the sportsmanship of an Olympic athlete such as Thomas/Cabot.

It’s also unrealistic that Cabot and the princess get together all hot and heavy after she has delivered approximately no lines of dialogue, but okay, the language of love is universal and whatnot plus, ya know, sexism in Hollywood.

Let’s get to Parmistan. There’s a long set up to “the game,” where the princess gets kidnapped and there’s a lot of shooting and running around, but all of this is just boring build up to what we’ve all been (sort of) waiting for…“the game.”

As my husband and I watched the climactic portion of the film, I became utterly consumed by numerous questions.

First of all, why does the King of Parmistan look like a poor man’s Mel Brooks?

Second, how does this country of Parmistan have the ability to allegedly fulfill any request for the winner of “the game,” yet the bulk of its citizenry seems to live as if it were medieval times with no electricity, indoor plumbing, or access to dental care?

Third, why do so many of the “ninjas” who help operate “the game” do little more than stand there, evoking a pose not unlike the one I struck while a member of my school’s 6th grade safety patrol?

Fourth, why do the competitors from other countries wear track suits, but Cabot is wearing khaki slacks and a black turtleneck and looks like he’s about to take Ashley from 5th period on a date to the Cineplex to watch Fletch starring Chevy Chase?

Fifth, why is the movie called Gymkata, yet this word is never once uttered or referenced in this movie?

Sixth, at the end of “the game,” Cabot is forced to run through an abandoned hamlet filled with “crazy people,” that is referred to as “the cuckoo’s nest.” It was the mid 80s, so the stigmatizing of mental illness was to be expected, but my question is…why is it “crazy” for a man to have two faces? Yes, in this part of the film a man with TWO FACES tries to kill Cabot. Biological IMPOSSIBILITY and not really a sign that someone is “crazy,” per se.

Seventh, also present in crazy town is a man in a white robe who beckons to Cabot. When White Robe turns around, his bare ass is exposed. Explain to me what the hell is going on here.

Eighth, as the villagers of the cuckoo’s nest surround Cabot, how is it that there happens to be a pommel horse located in the middle of the town square? Did the residents work out on it? Did it serve some other unknown purpose? And why do they keep approaching the pommel horse as Cabot spins and spins, knocking them out with his furious feet? I guess cuz they’re “crazy.”

Ninth, just as we think Cabot is gonna die, a seemingly sympathetic ninja saves him. Turns out – it’s Cabot’s DAD, who played “the game” over 20 years ago but allegedly DIED but was actually “used as diplomatic bait,” and has been hiding out on Parmistan for lo these past two decades while his son is becoming a medal-earning Olympic gymnast back in America. Now how on Earth did U.S. intelligence allow this man to languish here?!? HUGE plot hole!

Tenth, how was this movie made?

In case you’re wondering, Cabot wins “the game,” wins the girl, and the United States gets its satellite monitoring station. And I spent two hours of my life I’ll never get back watching a little film called Gymkata.


TLC Channel vs. Lifetime TV In a Battle for Women’s Souls

I feel sort of like a soldier committing treason or a gang member wearing the wrong colors for saying this, but I must speak the truth.

Lifetime TV better watch its backside because TLC is coming at it ninja style with the current quality of its Ladyvision programming. 

I have been a Lifetime TV addict ever since I realized I was a woman.  This happened in college when I began to understand the way that patriarchal oppression affects nearly every facet of my life.  To be honest, I also realized I was a woman when I found out I could get away with doing “girl” push-ups.

Anyway, ever since realizing I am a woman, I have loved me some Lifetime.  And what was not to love?  Tori Spelling getting stalked and countless reruns of The Golden Girls.  Female empowerment indeed.  (I’m only being partly facetious there.  The Golden Girls was actually one of the most empowering shows for women in the history of television, for serious.)

But despite the greatness of Lifetime, lately, I have to give it up for TLC.  Let’s see which shows are keeping me coming back for more.

Four Weddings

Well of course the ladies are gonna love this.  It’s about stuff ladies love to do.  Namely, planning weddings and talking shit about each other.  And not just talking shit, but talking shit in, like, the super nicest way possible?  Where everything they say comes out like a question?  Like you know what I mean?

The deal with this show is four ladies attend each other’s weddings, compare and contrast, cast a secret ballot, and then the winner of the “best” wedding gets a dream honeymoon.

And as you watch you can talk about, like, did she know the line for the food was gonna be this long?  And like, do you think she knew her dress was god-awful ugly as sin?  And, um, don’t you think their vows were sort of overdoing it?  Like, not to be mean but you know?


I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant

Since most people who get pregnant are ladies, this is super perfect for TLC’s lady-driven programming.  This show is about the dumbest women in the world and how they give birth in amusement park toilets after riding a roller coaster.  (True episode.)

What I love are the reenactments where the newborn baby is played by a six-month old covered in red Jello.


The Little Couple

One half of The Little Couple is a woman, hence its inclusion in the TLC line-up.  The deal with this twosome is that other than being little people, they have to be the most boring couple I’ve ever met.  They’re affluent with a lot of disposable income, so I get to watch little people golf, travel, build their own home, have nice dinners, etc.  Fantastic.  It would be more exciting if they were alcoholics, or they got into knife fights with other little couples, or just something like that.


Cake Boss/Next Great Baker/DC Cupcakes/Fabulous Cakes

Women eat cake, right?  Like, especially when they’re PMSing like sooooooo bad?  So this is perfect.


19 Kids and Counting

Okay, so despite reading this well-researched, well-written book about the repressive and sexist Quiverfull movement, I can’t help but get all transfixed by the country-kitchen vibe of Mama Michelle Duggar, her hubby Jim Bob, and their brood.  What amazes me is how GOOD Michelle looks for having had and raised 19 children.  I don’t know what her secret is.  Perhaps it’s quality skin moisturizer, or perhaps it’s the fact that she uses child labor to do her dirty work.  Of course I’m talking about her eldest daughters, who are apparently forced to sublimate all their own dreams into clean laundry and tubs of mac and cheese as they care for their younger siblings in a patriarchal-driven environment that reduces women to only one basic role of wife and mother while limiting their contact with the outside world.  Woah, woah, woah!  Sorry about that…getting all college on ya.


Sister Wives

The title alone tells you how perfect this is for a female audience.  Women are sisters and women are wives, and in this show, they are also polygamists!  Four ladies center their lives around Kody Brown and his dreamy golden locks.  Where the appeal is after that, you got me.


Make Room for Multiples

The show that all ladies who are also mothers should take the time to watch just in case they’re ever feeling overwhelmed.  Today I watched an episode where a couple had four kids under two.  I want you to think about that for a minute, parents.  Four kids under two.  I know, right?  After the show was over, I went and took every birth control pill in my pill pack, just to be safe.


Toddlers and Tiaras

There is nothing to say.


So there.  That wraps up my review of TLC’s best and brightest.  Lifetime, are you listening?  Because pretty soon, TLC isn’t going to stand for The Learning Channel anymore.  In my eyes, it’s gonna be known as The Lady Channel.