I feel sort of like a soldier committing treason or a gang member wearing the wrong colors for saying this, but I must speak the truth.
Lifetime TV better watch its backside because TLC is coming at it ninja style with the current quality of its Ladyvision programming.
I have been a Lifetime TV addict ever since I realized I was a woman. This happened in college when I began to understand the way that patriarchal oppression affects nearly every facet of my life. To be honest, I also realized I was a woman when I found out I could get away with doing “girl” push-ups.
Anyway, ever since realizing I am a woman, I have loved me some Lifetime. And what was not to love? Tori Spelling getting stalked and countless reruns of The Golden Girls. Female empowerment indeed. (I’m only being partly facetious there. The Golden Girls was actually one of the most empowering shows for women in the history of television, for serious.)
But despite the greatness of Lifetime, lately, I have to give it up for TLC. Let’s see which shows are keeping me coming back for more.
Well of course the ladies are gonna love this. It’s about stuff ladies love to do. Namely, planning weddings and talking shit about each other. And not just talking shit, but talking shit in, like, the super nicest way possible? Where everything they say comes out like a question? Like you know what I mean?
The deal with this show is four ladies attend each other’s weddings, compare and contrast, cast a secret ballot, and then the winner of the “best” wedding gets a dream honeymoon.
And as you watch you can talk about, like, did she know the line for the food was gonna be this long? And like, do you think she knew her dress was god-awful ugly as sin? And, um, don’t you think their vows were sort of overdoing it? Like, not to be mean but you know?
I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant
Since most people who get pregnant are ladies, this is super perfect for TLC’s lady-driven programming. This show is about the dumbest women in the world and how they give birth in amusement park toilets after riding a roller coaster. (True episode.)
What I love are the reenactments where the newborn baby is played by a six-month old covered in red Jello.
The Little Couple
One half of The Little Couple is a woman, hence its inclusion in the TLC line-up. The deal with this twosome is that other than being little people, they have to be the most boring couple I’ve ever met. They’re affluent with a lot of disposable income, so I get to watch little people golf, travel, build their own home, have nice dinners, etc. Fantastic. It would be more exciting if they were alcoholics, or they got into knife fights with other little couples, or just something like that.
Cake Boss/Next Great Baker/DC Cupcakes/Fabulous Cakes
19 Kids and Counting
Okay, so despite reading this well-researched, well-written book about the repressive and sexist Quiverfull movement, I can’t help but get all transfixed by the country-kitchen vibe of Mama Michelle Duggar, her hubby Jim Bob, and their brood. What amazes me is how GOOD Michelle looks for having had and raised 19 children. I don’t know what her secret is. Perhaps it’s quality skin moisturizer, or perhaps it’s the fact that she uses child labor to do her dirty work. Of course I’m talking about her eldest daughters, who are apparently forced to sublimate all their own dreams into clean laundry and tubs of mac and cheese as they care for their younger siblings in a patriarchal-driven environment that reduces women to only one basic role of wife and mother while limiting their contact with the outside world. Woah, woah, woah! Sorry about that…getting all college on ya.
The title alone tells you how perfect this is for a female audience. Women are sisters and women are wives, and in this show, they are also polygamists! Four ladies center their lives around Kody Brown and his dreamy golden locks. Where the appeal is after that, you got me.
Make Room for Multiples
The show that all ladies who are also mothers should take the time to watch just in case they’re ever feeling overwhelmed. Today I watched an episode where a couple had four kids under two. I want you to think about that for a minute, parents. Four kids under two. I know, right? After the show was over, I went and took every birth control pill in my pill pack, just to be safe.
Toddlers and Tiaras
There is nothing to say.
So there. That wraps up my review of TLC’s best and brightest. Lifetime, are you listening? Because pretty soon, TLC isn’t going to stand for The Learning Channel anymore. In my eyes, it’s gonna be known as The Lady Channel.