Things My Mother Taught Me

In honor of Mother’s Day…things my mother taught me:

My mom and my son

If you need to go out in a hurry and you don’t have time to take a shower, just spray on a little perfume and put on some lipstick.  No one will ever know the difference.

You have a little waist.  You need to tuck in your shirts and stop dressing like a damn hippie!

If you’re a little nauseated or maybe you’ve had a little bit too much to drink, just open a bottle of rubbing alcohol and take a few little sniffs.  It will calm the nausea.  (Sounds crazy but it’s true!)

Bring a paper sack to the library so it will be easier to carry home the books you check out.

Keep a spiral notebook and always write down the results of your medical tests and procedures there, and then you have them all in one place.

Now you listen, Jennifer, I realize you might be going through your college girl socialist phase, but if you sit around wondering what the point of marriage is, you will never get married.  Trust me on this.

At a party, work the room, make eye contact, and don’t be afraid to flirt a little.

You know how they are searching our luggage since 9/11?  I think when you come home for Christmas, you should put all your underwear in clear plastic bags.

I had three natural births, and I promise it was really not that bad.  Just take some deep breaths.  (Sorry, Mom…wrong on this one.)

THANKS for all the advice, Mom.  Happy Mother’s Day to all the mamas out there.

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One thought on “Things My Mother Taught Me

  1. This is wonderful !

    We mothers forget the advice we give that children remember !
    Specially the sniffing of the rubbing alcohol!!

    Great writing. I will try to keep up with your blog.

    Love MOM

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